WoodWose

about a year after my wife Sandy died I made a friend here on dA. She lives in the USA, and we had a great deal in common. We made eachother laugh, we shared many interests, we got on pretty well.
She told me how she was in a loveless marriage, which she stayed in for the sake of her son, but she felt so trapped. As time passed, we realised there was more than just friendship there, we realised we were in love. Neither of us was looking for another relationship, but somehow we seemed perfect for eachother.
The plan was always that when her son reached 18, she would divorce her husband and we would marry, most likely with me moving over to the States.
This Monday, 3 and a half years after we opened up to eachother about our feelings, she ended the relationship between us.

Well, I had a long, sleepless, tearful and reflective night.
When I read the email, it was like losing Sandy all over again, except it's one thing to know you'll never speak to someone you love again because they're dead, and quite another to know that they're alive, but you'll never be able to contact them again.

I really thought after losing Sandy this another chance for eventual happines.

Thing is,
if she's ending this relationship because she wants to try and salvage her marriage (allbeit a loveless one by her account) and for the sake of her son, then I really have no grounds to complain.  She told me the decision broke her heart, that she would aways love me. She said how she didn't expect, or in her opinion deserve forgiveness. There is nothing to forgive, my love for her means I wish her well, my heart is shattered, but I understand.

Because I love her, I want only her happiness, and if this choice makes her happy, if this choice is what is best for her and her son, then I'll let her go.
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean I'm not heartbroken, but it's what's right.

so, goodbye my love, I wish you a long and happy life, may you find the peace you seek, may true happiness be yours.

Still no internet access or computer at home.
The usual place I access the net at has such strict filters that any</b> site that has 'mature' content, such as dA is blocked. I can't even log onto my larp forums, as they contain the word 'weapons' for Freyja's sake!
Last week would've been my late wife's 59th birthday.
The anti-depressants I was prescribed are having the side-effect of giving me suicidal thoughts.
The UK government may well be cutting back my disability benefits, even though I still cannot work due to schizophrenia.
It would seem my cat, Merlin has an enlarged liver, (no doubt very expensive) tests to follow at the vetinary clinic to find the exact cause.

So, yeah, been better.

I no longer have internet access, and probably won't have for some time to come.

*sigh*
can't sleep...



Well, after the 'big freeze' we experienced last year into the early months of 2011, the Uk has just had one of the mildest Autumns on record. October saw temperatures that felt more like August and thus far November has been ridiculously warm. Over the next few days the temperatures look set to shift around, growing closer to the seasonal norm, with night time temperatures only a few degrees above freezing, but there are still leaves on the trees, many of them green and (around here at least) as of yet, no real frost at all. Winter migrants such as Bewick's and Whooper swans are late in arriving here as the conditions in their Arctic summer territories are unusually warm.
I suppose there's still time for ice and snow to make their presence felt, and after 3 consecutive harsh winters in a row, a lot of people were wondering if there was a pattern forming. No doubt the debate over whether Global Warming and Climate Change are real or not, and if they are, if mankind has contributed to them will go on and on, all I know is that the winters certainly seem milder than those of my childhood.

Time will tell I suppose, but a part of me misses the chill winds and cold days of a 'real' winter.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch




go on, say it, you know you want to